Obviously, I spent the rest of the day thinking about sex. Not even in a fun way. Just in a confused way.

I hadn’t given much thought to how I felt about sex until the prom afterparty. That had been when I’d started to wonder whether I was weird for not having done all the things other people claimed they’d done – including having sex.

We all know that the concept of ‘virginity’ is dumb as hell and invented by misogynists, but that didn’t stop me feeling like I was, essentially, missing out on something really great. But was I missing out? Sunil said he felt indifferent about sex. I’d never heard anyone talk about sex like that before. Like it was a takeaway cuisine you thought was OK, but you wouldn’t personally choose it.

All I’d felt about sex so far was shame for not having had it.

That night, in bed, I decided I needed to talk to someone who actually knew a bit about it. Rooney.

I rolled over to face her across the room. She was typing on her MacBook, most of her body concealed by her duvet.

‘Rooney?’ I said.

‘Mm?’

‘I’ve been thinking about … you know … my thing with Jason.’

This immediately got her attention. She sat up a little, shutting her MacBook, and said, ‘Yeah? Have you kissed yet?’

‘Um – well, no, but –’

‘Really?’ She raised her eyebrows, clearly thinking this was weird. ‘How come?’

I didn’t know what to tell her.

‘Don’t stress about it,’ she said with a wave of her hand. ‘It’ll happen. When it’s the right time, it’ll just happen.’

This annoyed me. Was kissing really so vague?

‘I guess,’ I said, feeling like I should just be honest, ‘I … don’t even know whether … you know, I’m attracted to men in general, or … something like that.’

Rooney blinked. ‘Really?’

‘Yeah.’

‘OK,’ said Rooney. She nodded, but I could see on her face that this was a surprise to her. ‘OK.’

‘I’m not sure, though. I’ve been thinking a lot about, um … well, how I’d feel about … physical stuff.’

There was a pause, and then she said, ‘Sex?’

I should have guessed she’d just be blunt about it. ‘Well, yeah.’

‘OK.’ She nodded again. ‘Yeah. That’s good. Sexual attraction is just figuring out who you want to have sex with.’ She paused to think, and then she turned fully to face me. ‘Right. We’re going to figure this out.’

‘What d’you mean?’

‘I mean, let’s get to the bottom of your feelings and figure out whether you’re attracted to Jason or not.’

I had absolutely no idea where this conversation was going, and I was scared.

‘Question One. Do you wank?’

I’d been right to be scared.

‘Oh God.’

She held up her hands. ‘You don’t have to answer, but I think this might be a pretty good way of figuring out if you really like Jason.’

‘I’m so uncomfortable.’

‘It’s just me. I’ve heard you fart in bed.’

‘No you haven’t.’

‘I have. It was loud.’

‘Oh God.’

I knew I could just shut this conversation down if I really wanted to. It was a bit rude of Rooney to ask such personal things when, really, we’d only known each other for a month and a half. But I did want to talk about stuff like this with someone. And I did think that talking about it might help me figure some stuff out.

‘So,’ Rooney continued. ‘Masturbation.’

I wasn’t the sort of person who thought it was a ‘guy thing’. I’d been on the internet long enough to know that masturbation was all-gender.

‘Doesn’t … doesn’t everyone masturbate?’ I mumbled.

‘Hm, no, I don’t think so.’ Rooney tapped her chin. ‘I had a friend back at home who said she just didn’t like doing it.’

‘Oh. That’s fair enough.’

‘So I assume you do it then.’

Yes, I did. I wasn’t gonna just lie about it. I knew it wasn’t something to be ashamed of, obviously, but it still felt excruciating to talk about.

‘Yeah,’ I said.

‘OK. So, what d’you think about when you masturbate?’

‘Rooney. Oh my fucking God.’

‘Come on! We’re doing a scientific study to determine where your attraction lies. Oh my God, we should get Pip to help! She does science!’

I didn’t particularly want Pip to get involved in this already awkward conversation. ‘No, we shouldn’t.’

‘Do you think about men? Women? Both? Any/or?’

The honest answer was:

Any.

Literally anything.

But I knew that would just confuse things. And here’s why.

My usual masturbation situation was just whenever I was in the mood to read a smutty fanfic. It felt like a safe, fun way to get turned on and have a good time. So I would just think about the characters in the fic I was reading. Whatever combination of genders that involved – I wasn’t fussy, as long as the writing was good.

It wasn’t about bodies and genitals for me. It was about chemistry. But that wasn’t anything unusual, I thought.

People didn’t really just look at boobs or abs and get turned on. Did they?

‘Georgia,’ said Rooney. ‘Come on. I’ll tell you mine if you tell me yours.’

‘Fine,’ I said. ‘I … the gender doesn’t really matter.’

‘Oh my God! Same!’ Rooney gestured between us. ‘Wank fantasy sisters!’

‘Never say that again.’

‘No, but it’s cool to know I’m not alone in that.’ She wrapped her covers a little tighter round her. ‘Like, I know I only go out with guys, but … you know. It’s fun to think about other stuff.’

Maybe I was bi or pan, then. Maybe we both were. If gender didn’t matter to us, that would make sense, right?

‘There are still some specific scenarios I have to picture,’ she continued. ‘Like, I can’t just imagine myself doing anything with anyone. I still think I have … preferences. But not limited to gender.’

Something she’d said struck me.

‘Wait,’ I said. ‘I-I mean, I don’t imagine myself with any gender.’

She paused. ‘Oh. What?’

It clicked in my brain what I was trying to say.

‘I don’t think about myself having sex,’ I said.

Rooney frowned, then she snorted, and then, upon realising I wasn’t joking, she frowned again. ‘What do you think about then? Other people?’

‘… Yeah.’

‘Like … people you know?’

‘Ew, no. Oh my God. More like … made-up people in my brain.’

‘Hm.’ Rooney let out a deep breath. ‘So … you don’t think about having sex with Jason?’

‘No!’ I exclaimed. The thought of having sex with Jason freaked me out. ‘People don’t – people don’t actually do that, do they?’

‘What, fantasise about someone they have a crush on?’

As soon as she said it, I realised how obvious it was. Of course people did that. I’d seen it dozens of times in movies and on TV and in fanfics.

‘This is going to be harder than I thought,’ said Rooney.

‘Oh.’

‘OK, so. Question Two. Who was the celebrity you last got off to?’

I blinked. ‘People definitely don’t do that.’

‘Do what?’

‘Get off to pictures of celebrities.’

‘Uh, yes they do. I have a folder of shirtless pics of Henry Cavill on my laptop.’

I laughed.

Rooney did not.

‘What?’ she asked.

I genuinely thought she was joking. ‘I thought that was just a movie thing. You really just … look at abs and that does it for you?’

‘I mean … yeah.’ Rooney looked a little put out. ‘What, is that not normal?’

I had no idea what was normal. Maybe nothing was normal. ‘I just don’t get the appeal. Like … abs are just lumpy stomachs.’

This made Rooney laugh loudly. ‘OK. Fine. Question Three –’

‘How are there more questions –’

‘Sex dreams. What happened in your last sex dream?’

I stared at her. ‘Seriously?’

‘Yes!’

I started to say that I’d never had a sex dream, but that wasn’t strictly true. I’d had a dream a couple of years back where in order to pass my exams I had to have sex with a guy in my class. He was waiting on my bed, naked, and I kept walking in and out of my bedroom, fully clothed, not quite able to work up the courage to go through with it. It wasn’t a nightmare, but it gave me that same feeling of a nightmare where you’re trying to run away from a demon but your legs are moving like they’re stuck in sludge, and the demon is catching up with you, but you can’t move properly, and you’re about to die.

On second thoughts, I wasn’t sure that counted as a sex dream.

‘I don’t have sex dreams,’ I said.

Rooney stared back at me. ‘What … ever?’

‘Does everyone have sex dreams?’

‘Well … I don’t know, now.’ Rooney looked almost as confused as me. ‘I assumed it was kind of an everyone thing, but … I mean, I guess it’s not.’

I almost regretted bringing this up with her. For someone who’d had a lot of sex, Rooney didn’t seem to understand it any better than I did. Making a snap decision, I grabbed my phone again. ‘I am going to message Pip.’

‘Yes. Please get her involved. I want to know what she thinks.’

I gave Rooney a look. ‘You’re very interested in what Pip thinks about sex, huh?’

Rooney spluttered. ‘Uh – no, actually, no. I just – I just wanted a third opinion and she’s the most likely person to overshare.’

Georgia Warr

apologies for the late-night message but i have a question, dear friend

Felipa Quintana

It better not be about the group chat name because I will defend ‘a midsummer night’s dab’ until I die

Georgia Warr

i respect the dab, it’s not about that

soooooo

me and rooney are having a conversation about sex right now

Felipa Quintana

OOOOH

Okay I’m in

Georgia Warr

my question is . . . . . .

do you have sex dreams?

Felipa Quintana

Lol WOW

Georgia Warr

you don’t have to answer if it’s too personal haha

but also i have seen you pee multiple times

we know each other probably too well by this point

for the record, rooney is here and wants to know your answers

Felipa Quintana

Wow hi rooney

Yeah I’ve had sex dreams

Not like looooads

But occasionally

I mean that’s pretty normal right??

‘She says she’s had sex dreams,’ I said to Rooney.

‘Ask her about masturbating,’ Rooney hissed from across the room.

‘Rooney.’

‘It’s for science!’

Georgia Warr

that’s basically what we’re trying to determine

a second question – when you have a wank do you think about YOURSELF having sex?? And if so … with what gender??

rooney says the gender doesn’t matter for her

Felipa Quintana

JESUS georgia what is this conversation omg

Wait Rooney thinks about being with girls??????

Georgia Warr

yeah

Felipa Quintana

Okay . . . . . . Okay interesting

Well firstly, yeah I do think about myself? Idk what else I would think about?? I guess unless you’re literally just having a wank to porn … but even then it’s like at least a little bit about you and your fantasies too

And obviously I just think about girls haha … the thought of being with a guy just disgusts me

I mean I am very much a lesbian. We’ve established this

This is interesting though

‘She said she does think about herself having sex,’ I said.

Rooney nodded, though she’d started adjusting her hair so I couldn’t read her expression. ‘Yeah. I mean, that’s what most people do, I think.’

Georgia Warr

i won’t tell rooney this one, this is just a question from me

do you fantasise about other people?? like real people? like if you get a crush or meet someone really hot, do you fantasise about having sex with them????

Felipa Quintana

Georgia how come you wanna know all this?

Are you okay??

Are you and Jason having SEX

Oh god I don’t know if I want to know

Georgia Warr

calm down i’m not having sex

just trying to understand some stuff

Felipa Quintana

Okay

Yeah I guess I do sometimes

Not eeeevery single hot person I meet but if I really liked someone …

I mean sometimes I just can’t help it I guess haha?

‘What are you saying to her?’ Rooney asked.

I was staring at my phone screen.

And then I chucked it across my bed.

‘This has to be a fucking joke,’ I blurted.

Rooney paused. ‘What?’

I sat up, pushing the covers off my body. ‘Everyone has to be fucking JOKING.’

‘What d’you –’

‘People are really out there just … thinking about having sex all the time and they can’t even help it?’ I spluttered. ‘People have dreams about it because they want it that much? How the – I’m losing it. I thought all the movies were exaggerating, but you’re all really out there just craving genitals and embarrassment. This has to be some kind of huge joke.’

There was a long silence.

Rooney cleared her throat. ‘I guess we’re not wank fantasy sisters.’

‘For fuck’s sake, Rooney.’

I don’t think this conversation had gone to a place that either of us were expecting it to.

I’d never fantasised about myself having sex. And that was different from most people. I was different. How had I never realised this before?

Picturing fanfic characters having sex? Great. Fine. Sexy. But picturing myself having sex with anyone, guy, girl, whoever, didn’t interest me.

No – it was more than that. It was an immediate fucking turn-off.

Was that what Sunil had told me about? Was that how he felt?

‘I don’t really know what to say or how to help,’ Rooney said. Then, with more sincerity than I was used to from Rooney, she followed up with, ‘Don’t do anything you don’t want to do, OK?’

‘… OK.’

‘I mean with Jason.’ She looked so serious all of a sudden, and I realised how rare it was for me to see an expression like that on Rooney’s face. ‘Just don’t do anything you’re not comfortable with. Please.’

‘Yeah. OK.’

Felipa Quintana

Hey, you sure you’re okay? This was a weird conversation

Georgia Warr

i’m okay

sorry

this was weird

Felipa Quintana

I don’t mind!!! I love weird

I hope I helped??

Georgia Warr

you did