Chapter Twenty-Five

I’m in the office early in the morning. From Charlee’s access key swipes every morning, I know she gets here at seven thirty to beat me and get everything set up for the day, so I made sure to get here at seven.

I didn’t want to have to walk off the elevator and have her greet me. I didn’t want her making me breakfast, or even trying to put on a fake smile. I don’t want any of that shit.

Instead, I want to do my work, I want her to do her work, and then be done with it.

And this is exactly why I promised myself not to get involved with her, because this is what I was dreading, this uncomfortable work environment.

I don’t even know what happened yesterday. I was enjoying watching my girl look gorgeous as fuck among the flowers in full bloom. Next thing I know, I’m puffed out like a balloon, getting yelled at, and then worrying for hours about where Charlee could have gone. If something happened to her on the subway, if she got lost, if she’d been mugged. It was painful. Grandma sat by my side, patting my back, reassuring me that she was going to be okay, but I didn’t believe her. Something inside me was saying she wasn’t going to be okay . . . that we weren’t going to be okay. And I was right.

She came back angry and wanted nothing to do with me. And then, for her to accuse me of thinking our relationship was shallow, that was a slap to the face I wasn’t expecting. I think our relationship is anything but shallow. We’re complicated, we’re unpredictable, we’re desperate for each other, and even though it’s soon, I gravitate toward her for comfort. Especially over the last couple weeks while we were going through the wedding planning.

I’ve put my life on hold for this, to make sure she felt comfortable marrying me, to make sure everything was in place, and even though it was a quick engagement, we were going to have a special day, because I want it to be special for Charlee and her grandma.

I put work events on hold, I’ve rescheduled important meetings, I haven’t RSVP’d to certain events, because I wanted to give my attention to Charlee, to our relationship, to building it, and making it stronger.

Yeah, the sex has been amazing, but the little moments after we’ve come, the moments where we’ve simply held each other, those are the moments that have made our relationship anything but shallow. How could she not see that?

Frustrated, I drag my hand through my hair and start pounding out a response to an email on my keyboard, my fingers running rapidly over the keys. Spelling errors pop up left and right, but I don’t slow down. I keep typing and typing and typing until the door to my office creaks open and Charlee comes waltzing in with a watering can in hand.

I glance up just in time for her to see me and stumble in shock.

“Oh my God,” she says, catching her breath. “When did you get here?”

I turn back to my computer and say, “Seven.”

“Why so early?”

“Couldn’t sleep,” I answer, typing again, but this time, my mind is elsewhere. It’s focused on the stunning woman in front of me wearing a simple blue blouse that’s tucked into the waistband of her black pants. Her outfit is boring compared to everything else she normally wears and that tells me one thing: she’s not feeling like her normal self.

Instead of a smart retort, she walks over to Sir Dragomir, waters him, and then says, “Do you want a smoothie or oatmeal for breakfast?”

“Neither,” I answer. “I got something on the way in.”

And that’s when I see her falter, when I see her shield crack.

“Oh.”

I reach into my bag and pull out a list. Without looking at her, I say, “Here’s your list. I have work to get done, so when you’re done with that list, you can leave. I don’t need the disturbance.”

“Disturbance,” she says, on an exhaled breath. “So, is this what you meant by moving on? You’re done with me now? Should I call the venues, cancel the wedding?” She sets the watering can down and then pulls the engagement ring off her finger. Fuck. “Is this what you want?” She sets it on my desk with a slam. “I’ll work on this list, but I won’t be going home early, because this is my job. And just because you don’t want a disturbance, doesn’t mean I’ll leave. Deal with it.”

With that, she walks out of my office and slams my door.

I stare at the ring shining back at me and the more and more it sparkles under the light the more I grow angry. I snag the ring in my palm and push away from my desk. I’m standing at her desk in seconds. With a palm to the top surface, I lean over and hold the ring out in front of her.

Speaking firmly, I say, “What did I tell you about this ring? This is not to be used as a fucking threat, as a tool in your games. This is a symbol of a joining between you and me. So, what is it, Charlee? Are you throwing in the towel at the first speed bump?”

“First speed bump?” she says, looking startled. “This is hardly a speed bump. You said you were moving on.”

“Not from you. Jesus Christ, Charlee.” I toss the ring on her desk and stand tall. “Do you really think so poorly of yourself, of me, that I could consider you dispensable in my life? Because you’re the furthest thing from it.” I pace away from her desk, hating that this woman has taken over every thought of every day. That she’s affected me to the point that I don’t feel whole unless I see her smile first thing in the morning. How can she not see that? “You mean something to me, Charlee, and I’m not just going to throw that away because we had a disagreement.”

“It wasn’t just a disagreement,” Charlee says, standing as well. “You won’t open up to me, Rath. It’s been like that from the very beginning. How am I supposed to be married to you if you turn into a statue whenever things get serious? You might not want to talk, but I need to hear.”

“It’s not that easy,” I say, gripping the back of my neck with both hands, the tension in my shoulders climbing, skyrocketing. “I just don’t share. I’ve done that, and it came back and bit me in the ass.”

“With who?”

I turn away and take a deep breath. “With someone I don’t talk about . . . ever. Not even my boys are allowed to talk about her, okay?”

I feel her approach when she softly says, “Who was she?”

I shake my head and mumble, “I’m not . . . I don’t want to talk about her.” Sighing, I turn to her. “You can take me as is, right here, right now, knowing that this is who I am now, Charlee. But it’s going to take me time to open up. Or you can give me that ring back and know, once you do, it’s final. You’ll never get it again. I don’t play games. You either marry me or you don’t, but don’t fucking threaten me by taking it off.” I’ve never allowed any business associate to bribe or bulldoze me, and I’m not starting now. This is black and white. She either wants me, the marriage, or she doesn’t. Wanting to give her time to think, I head back to my office.

And even though I’m working, I wait. I wait for her to come into my office, to tell me she’s going to stop fucking around. That she’s going to wear the ring, finalize these wedding plans since we have no time left to really plan, and that we’re going to forget this entire fight.

But she doesn’t come into my office.

She doesn’t stay like she said she would.

She left after her list of things were done.

But what’s throwing me off is not that she took off even though she said she wouldn’t, it’s that I can’t find the ring anywhere.

“Do you need a hug? You look like you need a hug.” Bram steps up next to me in my kitchen with his arms spread.

I’m not in the mood for his theatrics, but goddamn, I could use a hug. I step into his embrace and he quickly holds me tight.

“That’s it, big guy, take all the good loving. Take. It. All.”

Okay, it just got weird. I push him away, grab my opened beer from the counter, and walk over to the living room with a bowl of Doritos. Bram follows me and we both take a seat on my stiff couch—it still hasn’t been broken in despite the amount of times Charlee and I have fucked on it.

“So, you guys broke up, called the wedding off?” Bram asks, popping a chip in his mouth.

“I don’t really know.” I drag my hand over my face and slouch in my seat. “Fuck, man, I really have no clue what’s going on. She wants more from me, but it’s hard. After giving everything to Vanessa, only for her to up and leave, I can’t go through that again. And I know I worked a lot with Vanessa, that I pushed her to the side, but I also was going through a really rough time with the company. I needed a goddamn moment and I couldn’t spend every waking hour making her happy—”

“I’m going to stop you right there,” Bram says, holding up his beer. “Did you hear what you just said? You weren’t going to spend every waking hour making her happy.”

“Yeah, so?”

“With Julia? I’d go sleepless if it meant I could spend a few more hours in the day, making sure I see Julia’s smile, know she’s content, satisfied, full of joy. I want nothing more in life than for my girl to be happy, and I would go to any extent to make that happen.”

“Are you saying I’m a shitty boyfriend?” I ask, feeling even worse now.

He shakes his head. “No, I’m not. What I’m trying to point out is that even though you thought you loved Vanessa, she wasn’t your soul mate. If she was, you would have made the time, you wouldn’t have pushed her away. You might have loved her, man, but you weren’t in love with her. There’s a difference.”

I pause, my beer halfway to my mouth and then exhale. “Shit, I never thought about it that way.” It’s as if a lightbulb turns on in my head and everything starts to make sense. I did love her. I loved her a lot. She was my friend, my lover, my confidante, but was I in love with her? According to what Bram says, I wasn’t. She was the first person I allowed to see my heart, but I didn’t protect hers like I should have if I was in love. I wasn’t bending over backwards to fulfill her needs, and even though we were together for two years, she never lived with me. She stayed at my place on occasion, but I never asked her to move in. And yet . . . apart from the initial sexual tension, having Charlee live in my apartment is incredible. Welcome. Easy. The idea of her gone . . . never coming back . . . Fuck.

“You know I’m right, don’t you?”

I sip my beer and say, “Maybe, yeah.”

“She wasn’t the girl for you, man. If she was—”

“I never would have let her walk away.”

“Exactly.” He smiles and bites the very tip of a chip like an asshat. “Look at us having a therapy session. We should have done this a while ago. Maybe then you would be more receptive to the girl you actually care about.”

“What do you mean?”

Growing serious, Bram says, “Come on, man. We both know what’s going on with Charlee is way more than just this idea to make her grandma’s wish come true. I see the way you look at her, the way she makes you smile. I’m not dumb, it’s the same way I look at Julia whenever she walks into the room and it’s the reason why you’re sulking right now. You like her.”

“Of course, I like her. I never would have suggested to marry her if I didn’t like her.”

“No man, you like her, like her. You want to have babies with her like her.”

“Getting ahead of yourself,” I say. But I’ve thought about it. Ever since our Grandma’s counseling evening, when the idea was first floated, I’ve given it a lot of thought. I want that. I want that future with Charlee.

“Seriously though, tell me right now that you don’t—”

Knock. Knock.

We both turn our heads toward the door and then back at each other.

“Did you order anything?” I ask.

He shakes his head. “Nah, Julia made salmon for dinner.”

Confused, I stand from the couch and walk to the entryway. When I open the door, Charlee’s standing on the other side with a bag in her hand. Immediately my stomach does an excited and nervous somersault as I take her in.

Leggings, long sweater, her slipper boots on her feet, and her hair weaved into braids, without an ounce of makeup on her face.

She’s unthinkably perfect.

“Oh hey, Charlee,” Bram calls out as he walks up behind me. “I was just leaving.” He pats me on the shoulder and gives me the look. You know, the look from a best friend that says, remember what we talked about. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow.” He turns to Charlee and says, “Be easy on the big guy. I promise, there’s a heart in there.” And then he takes off, leaving me alone with Charlee.

Feeling awkward, I stick my hands in my pockets and say, “Want to come in?”

She nods, and I move aside so she can walk into my apartment. Instead of setting her bag down in the entryway, she takes it straight to the bedroom and then stays there.

Unsure of what’s going on, I shut my door, lock it, and then head to the bedroom where Charlee is curled up in my bed.

Does she want me to join her? I sure as hell want to.

But I don’t make a move, because all I can do is stare at her. I stare at her so long that she finally breaks the silence. “Don’t leave me in here alone, Rath.”

She doesn’t have to ask me twice.

Keeping my clothes on, I slip into bed but keep my distance, which only seems to upset her more. Before I know what’s happening, she’s crying into her pillow.

Shit.

Quickly, I fall in behind her and spoon her back, holding on to her tightly.

“What’s going on?” I ask, all the anger and tension from earlier today gone.

“I don’t want us fighting.”

“I don’t want us to fight either,” I say, keeping a firm grasp around her stomach. “Today was fucking miserable. My stomach was in knots the whole time.” And that’s the truth, because even though I gave her the option to walk away, I really didn’t want her to. I want to keep her close to me, to make it impossible for her to even consider walking away. I swallow hard and say, “I don’t want to jump to any conclusions, but you being here, in my bed, does that mean you’re wearing the ring again?”

She takes my hand and brushes it over her left hand, letting me feel the raised diamond. I exhale and squeeze her in tighter.

“I’m sorry for taking it off,” she says quietly. “I was upset and didn’t react properly. I want to say I don’t know what’s happening to me, that I’m unsure why I care so much about you, about us, but I would be lying to myself. I care, Rath. I care about you, who you are, and who you want to be. I care about what you think about me, what you think about our relationship and if it means something to you too. I care if this is just an agreement to you or if you actually meant it when you said we’re dating. But I’m unsure, and that’s what’s making me do crazy and stupid shit . . . because I’m protecting my heart. It was broken before, but I’m pretty sure if I gave you the chance, you could annihilate it. And that’s more terrifying than anything.”

“Charlee,” I exhale and press my mouth against her cheek. “You mean something to me too. This relationship does. And it’s fucking weird, how this all came about and it’s scary how quickly everything is happening and the unknown is terrifying as well. But when I said I wanted to date you, I fucking meant it. This isn’t some casual agreement to me anymore. I know it may have started out like that, but it’s morphed into something else. This has become serious to me and as scary as it may seem, I’m starting to have feelings for you. And that means I don’t want to fuck anything up, but you have to give me time. Even though my feelings are strong, this is moving fast and I want to make sure we take our time.”

“Okay,” she says softly.

Not quite happy with her resignation, I move her so she’s on her back and looking up at me. I hover over her and bring my hand to her face where I stroke her soft cheek with my thumb.

“Are we okay?”

She nods as tears fall from her eyes. “We’re okay.”

“Then why are you crying?”

“Because that’s who I am. I cry, I’m emotional. It was just a tough day and everything’s hitting me at once.” She tries to smile but it doesn’t reach anywhere, which twists my stomach into more knots.

Bram’s theory is starting to have merit. I’d go sleepless if it meant I could spend a few more hours in the day, making sure I see Julia’s smile . . . full of joy. I want nothing more in life than for my girl to be happy . . .

I understand that now. With every breath I take, I want Charlee to be happy. And with the question running through my mind, I know my feelings for Charlee are much more than what I felt for Vanessa. I never would have asked her this.

“I want you to be happy, Charlee. How can I make you happy?”

She lifts her hand to my face and caresses my lips. “Make love to me.”

I should be scared with how she said that—make love—but it doesn’t faze me. It’s as if she should have been saying that all along.

Sitting up on my knees, I undo my shirt and toss it to the side, loving how Charlee still stares at me in awe, as if she’ll never get enough of the view in front of her. My pants are next, and I remove those with my boxer briefs. Once I’m naked, I slowly and deliberately start on stripping her down. I begin with her leggings and let those roll off her. Then I reach for her sweater and when I take it off and find out she isn’t wearing a bra, I’m instantly hard. The last article to go is her thong, and then I climb on top of her body and enclose her head with my forearms.

I stroke her hair and wipe her tears away.

“Charlee, you need to stop crying. You’re scaring me.”

“I’m sorry.” She sucks in a deep breath. “I’m just . . . scared.”

“Why are you scared?”

She looks away and says, “I don’t want to lose you, and I guess the last twenty-four hours, it felt like I was losing you.”

“Hey.” I press a kiss to her tear-soaked cheeks. “I’m not going anywhere, Charlee.”

She blows out a breath and says, “When you said you were moving on, it hit me hard. Kind of felt like Chris all over again.”

“Shit, baby.” I lower my forehead to hers. “Fuck, I didn’t mean to scare you like that. I really didn’t. I was frustrated and scared and relieved that you were okay. I think it hit me at once and I said stupid shit that doesn’t make sense now that I think about it. I’m sorry. I’m really fucking sorry. I never meant I was moving on from you.”

Her hands run up and down my back. “I know you are. And I’m sorry that I gave you the ring back. I wasn’t playing games. Your words just hurt so much, and I believed you didn’t want me anymore. But I know better now. Your word . . . it’s something I can trust. I know what it means to you.”

“Thank you.” I lightly kiss her lips. “Thank you for coming over tonight, for easing the ache that was in my chest.”

“I wanted to give you space, to make sure I’m what you really want.”

“You are,” I say, lifting up and cupping her face. “You’re what I want, Charlee.”

She nods, loops her hands to the back of my neck, and pulls me down to her lips where she moves her mouth against mine desperately and then parts her legs.

She urges me but I stop her and say, “You’re not ready.”

She nods and reaches down, bringing my cock to her wet entrance. “I am ready. Please, I need you inside of me. I need all of you.”

Grunting, needing her just as much, I enter her until I reach the base of my cock and then I hold her closely to my chest, letting her feel me inside her, hopefully showing her how much she matters to me.

This right here is all I want. Me and her.

Together.